In some ways I see myself in much the same limbo as 2 years ago. I'm still in a state of transition in my life and my convictions on leading are still not up to par. Those two reasons are so paramount that I haven't seen a reason to date yet. But my convictions have somewhat changed in that I no longer see dating as the end means. I have used 'date' to mean 'court' and I no longer feel convicted to use 'date' to take the place of 'courting'. At the time when I was convicted to use the term 'courting' I was younger than 18. I am now 23 and any dating I do has a potential to lead to 'courting' or marriage. I think I was using my definition of dating to hide behind my insecurities of stepping out in faith to ask someone out. That being said, here are the changes in my life.
I honestly can say that I'm not bitter about being single. I think the bitterness of 2 years ago came from the fact that nearly 3/4 of my friends were either in a serious relationship or engaged or married. In other words, I was jealous that they were in relationships and I wasn't. Now that all of those friends are married I think it's a different ballgame. I'm not bitter, but I do think I'm missing out. With my married friends, they have distanced themselves away from me, and I from them. I never liked being a third wheel when they were dating, and even moreso now that they're married. So instead I've surrounded myself (and maybe this is the work of God) with single people who have the same battles as I do. I have 5 solid guys who are encouraging to be around, and who share my singleness.
Over the past two years, as mentioned above, I've been to about 20 weddings. Sure, after going to each wedding I realized that I was still indeed single and another set of friends were moving on into 'married bliss', but for me the weddings weren't hard save for one or two. I mostly saw them for what they were; two of my friends uniting into one under God. That thought trumped any other thought that came into my mind. The hardest one for me was the last one I went to this fall. Not only were some of my friends there that had been married for almost a year, but there was also another one of my friends there who was single. She has had it rough. All of her close friends have gotten married over the past two years and she still isn't in a relationship. So, it rubbed off on me.
The biggest reason why I'm no longer bitter is that I realize it's my fault for still being single. Unlike my friend who is still a single lady, I can do something about my singleness, which is to sack up and ask some girl. Yet, here I sit, still single so I must not want to date right now. In fact, this past year I have done more than a lot of my married friends and for that I'm not envious of them. I still continue to learn more about myself each and every day, thanks to the Holy Spirit working in me. I'm confident that God is using this time in my life to prepare me for a future relationship. I don't know if that relationship will end up in marriage or in friendship, but I know that it will be in God's timing not my own.
