Guardedness

People say I'm guarded, rightfully so. I choose to be a very guarded person when I'm around people. Not so much around one or two people, but around groups. I tend to view groups as having a different dynamic about them. That as a whole, a group can be less merciful and more eager to pounce on an individual person. I know because in a large group setting that's what I tend to do. I often shift the focus off of me and onto someone else to protect my ego and pride. I can dish the heat much more than I can handle the heat. I would much rather let people think I'm a good and humble christian, than to let them see that I have just as many faults and weaknesses as the "sinners" do. That my life is easy because I'm a "new creation in Christ", but only because I put up a front and say that my life is fine when really it isn't. I know my life is hard, because as a Christian it should be; it should be difficult because we are called to be a light to others in dark places. That in itself is hard, let alone fighting off satan's attacks against my flesh.

I often pass off guardedness as an excuse to be a good listener to others. I would rather "help" someone else with their problems, only to escape my own. I would rather look like a servant by taking care of some else's needs before my own, when in reality I know that it is to keep my pride in tack knowing that other people don't know my faults and my weaknesses.

I often pass off guardedness as an excuse to be an observant person. To look like I notice the little things that people do when others overlook them. Except I'm observant to feed my hunger and quench my thirst for being selfless so I can check that off of my "good Christian deed" for the day and to satisfy my self-righteous pride.

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. But then again, I'm not called to be a perfect human, or to be a model Christian for non-believers. I'm here to model Christ through life's good times AND life's trials. But how can I do that when I'm so guarded that nobody knows that it was Christ who got me through the bad times because I never let on that I was going through a bad time?