Why I don't lead well

I've come to a point in my life where I realize I need to step up my game in the leadership department. Whether spiritual or not, my leadership abilities are not where they should be given where I am in my life. I have knowledge of what it looks like to lead, but I have a hard time putting that into practice. Whether at work, discipling a younger believer, or being a man I need to be a leader in some regard.

As I look back at my life, I know there have been some events in my history that have shaped the way I approach leadership. I can think of more examples of times that have led me further away from true leadership than I can of times that have pushed me towards.

First off, I feel like I have a right to blame society, at least partially, for my leadership or lack thereof. I feel like in today's society men have become more passive. I see a lot of that coming from the push for equal treatment of women and their lesser dependence on men. I see some of it coming from a society that embraces choice and freedom of choice making it hard for men to choose an absolute answer in fear of stepping on feet. But I would be remiss if I blamed society for my personal downfalls.

I have never been in a friendship where I was the decision maker. From childhood I chose to be around people who chose for me. My best friends from high school are both doers. They want it, so they go and get it. That translates to my life by going with the flow. I rarely, in high school, decided what the group was doing because my friends did that. To this day, most of my friendships are still that way. I'm comfortable with being in those friendships because that is what I'm used to.

I've never been in a relationship. As admirable as that sounds coming from a Christian mindset, I think that has done me an injustice. By not being in a relationship, I have yet had to prove myself to be the leader of the relationship. Often times my lack of decision hurts my relationships with my sisters in Christ because they desire for me to be a leader, but I'm too easy going and indecisive to be the leader they want.

This is compounded even more by experiences in high school that have shaped my confidence. The two times I desired to go to a school function dance with a date, I put myself out on the line and the girls took advantage of that. The first one agreed but ultimately did what she wanted to do for the night, and the second agreed and then went back on her word. I think those two interactions have really shaped who I am today. I never was comfortable with putting myself out on the line and after those events I disliked it even more. While I realize that to base my whole life on two high school girls' actions is ridiculous, I find it hard to put into practice.

My family takes a big part in this as well. I love my family dearly and thank God for them, but I have never felt like I've been able to make my own decisions. Sure my family lets me make decisions, but my decisions have been unintentionally narrowed down for me. My parents still support me, so ultimately I have to abide under their leadership. My older brother paves the way so certain things are expected of me. All of these "good" things in my life have created a barrier to develop another "good" thing; leadership.

I have had one major experience that has taught me most of what I know about leadership. That experience was going to Summer Training Program with the Navigators. I was in the unique position where I worked under the program director while it was still in the planning phase. I had access to my campus' list of who was going, and the director left it to me to spearhead uniting the participants of our campus. I learned probably more about leadership in the 2 months prior to leaving for the program than I learned in all of my first year of college. I further learned more about leadership once I was at the program than I had just learned in those 2 months prior to leaving. To this day, I still rely on my leadership experiences from that summer.

How does knowing that I need to be a leader translate into doing? I know that my answers need to be centered around God. I know that Jesus is the ultimate model. I know that he calls me to be a leader. Yes, all of that motivates me, but my heart is still scarred by my past. I know my scars will heal, but the time factor is what hurts the most.